I have a confession to make. I have a hard time talking to Republicans. They dazzle me with their complete lack of a coherent argument or they twist real words into meaning something else or their staggering ability to just make shit up. Facts are no obstacle to these people, it seems.
The good news is that I have discovered two things that will help me next time I enter the minefield that is talking politics with Republicans – The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Speaking Republican by Elizabeth Parker and The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm by James Napoli.
Communism: A catch-all term for anything that promotes tolerance, fairness, transparency, or social justice. Has no relation to the actual theory and practice of communism.
Elitist: Reads above an 8th grade level.
Entitlements: Stuff you aren’t entitled to, even though you pay for them with your taxes or financial contributions: Like earned benefits, food, housing, education, healthcare, and other ridiculous luxuries taken for granted in all the other modernized and wealthy — and some not-so-wealthy — nations (see Pensions).
Fiscal Cliff: A non-existent precipice over which we’ll tumble if we don’t enact tax cuts for the wealthy and draconian austerity measures for the rest of us.
Hawaii: A foreign country located in Kenya, Africa.
Un-American: Urban, non-white, multicultural, progressive, non-Christian, gay-friendly, educated, and/or tolerant.
Voter Fraud: Voting for Democrats.
And War on Christmas: Publicly acknowledging the existence of other (non-Christian) winter holidays besides Christmas.
And there are many, many more enlightening terms that help you grasp what Republicans are actually saying. I highly recommend printing it out and using it to translate a Fox News broadcast as a Democrats version of closed captioning. *Note: you might want to wear a helmet if you try this, as the rate in which your brain cells will self-destruct while under the influence of Fox News could be catastrophic.
Now hop on over to Amazon.com, your favorite bookseller or the National Sarcasm Society website for a dose of sarcasm that can really help you get a leg up in conversations with Republicans. I should take the time to make another note here. There is a disclaimer at the bottom of the cover – it is in small print, so some people may not see it. It reads: “*Not Approved for Use by Stupid People”. So if you pick up a copy, be sure not to leave it laying around.
Accent: A way of speaking that reflects the region of the world in which you grew up. Depending on where that is and where you are when you use it, it could either get you beat up or laid.
Bankrupt: A state of financial destitution. Also a morally bankrupt person, which, ironically, usually describes someone who never actually experiences being literally bankrupt, because being a greedy, egotistical a-hole usually keeps you well out of the red.
City Official: Someone who routinely puts the needs of his or her constituency after his or her own self-serving desires. No, that was not a typo.
President: A person appointed by the American people to screw up the country for a period of four years. Or, if the screwing is really going well, eight years.
Tech Support: People in a foreign country who are getting paid almost nothing to be friendlier and more helpful than people in your own country could ever hope to be.
Thanksgiving: A complete implosion of the family unit, with turkey.
And the Washington Monument: Described in the guidebooks as the world’s tallest obelisk, when it is perfectly clear to anyone that it is a phallic symbol straight out of a Freudian fever dream. Trying to live up to this impossible male ideal is part of what gets the United States into so much trouble.
I hope this post will come in handy for other Dems who have difficulty holding their own with Republicans. I know I now have more confidence. Thanks Elizabeth Parker and James Napoli!
*This post was originally written (by me) and posted on September 7th, 2013 on All Things Democrat. You can find the direct link to this post here. On a side note, this happens to be one of my favorite blog posts!